Kink Talk: Noncon
February 19, 2020
You often see discussion or articles about how Rape Fantasies for women are common, how they are either reclaiming fear of assault or are a response to sexual shame imposed on women in some societies. That it arises as a means of re-writing sexual trauma in a form that gives the victim new control over it. But for me? My reason for pursuing the kink are none of these things, because I do not have shame or fear of sex, nor do I have any sexual trauma. For me, it is a response to self harm and how tightly wound up I am in duty and expectation (while forms of self-harm are mention, there is no explicit detail about them in the post itself)
One of my most common forms of self harm is Denial. This isn't any special term this is just what I use to describe one of the ways in which I harm myself, which is to deny myself the things that I enjoy, want, or need. It can range from obvious to esoteric. Not permitting myself to play a game or watch something I like, not allowed to get something I want, removing myself from socialization and activities, even so far as to deny myself any positive feelings, to distancing/restricting myself from things that are important to me or I identify with.
Being forced to receive and experience pleasure is, at it's very core, the exact opposite of self harm.
The narrative and the action on it's face may be 'evil person forces someone against their will to have sex and makes it pleasurable to manipulate them into thinking they like it'. But for me that's not what it is. It's the allegory, the symbolism of a person denying themselves anything good, being forced into something pleasurable despite their best efforts to deny it of themselves. That some force outside of themselves has judged that they're allowed to feel those things, to the point that it's overwhelming because yes, they deserve it.
This is also why I can't enjoy any non-con fiction with degradation, humiliation, or inflicted pain; tropes you commonly see associated with Rape Fantasies. I have a long history of using pain to correct myself or make myself focus on the tasks in life I've deemed more important than my well being, I can't see it as anything else other than punishment, something that happens when I failed in my duty or obligations. Pain and anguish completely overrides and erases my ability to feel anything positive at all, it echoes my inclination towards self harm and reinstates the concept that I don't deserve anything. Some people may use pain in their sexual play to reclaim these sorts of things, but I'm not one of these people.
This kink, for me, has no ties to any form of sexual trauma, it's entirely wrapped up in my personality and how I am. I've had a very intense sense of requirement, obligation, duty, since I was young. Failing others, failing myself, was met with personal punishment, first things like hitting or biting myself, then moving to Denial, an invisible punishment no one could see so that I wouldn't distress others, and so that they couldn't stop me from hurting myself. The worse the sense of duty and self harm became, the more the kink solidified for me over time.
I suspect people that know me may find some or even all of this as no surprise, knowing my personality or just talking with me about it. But for those that maybe aren't as familiar I don't want anyone to be worried or concerned about it, or read too much into what I make. In the end, trust that I know what I'm doing with myself and my psyche, that's really all I can ask for.
And I don't think I'm alone in this, I'm sure there are others that have the interest in the kink for the same reasons or are related to or in combination with something else. But I would like for not only my angle but also different angles others might have related to non-con kink would be discussed out in the open more, to uncouple it from the perception that it's a fear and trauma kink, only. Because human sexuality and psyches are far too complicated for a kink to ever mean only one or two things to a person. Now if I could just figure out how to go about talking about this in any sort of open capacity.
And a Dub-con sidebar. Dubcon is technically still non-con because there's no explicit consent, but I specifically like the kind of dubcon where the person is reluctant because of their own struggle to accept pleasure or desire but isn't actually against the concept. It requires an instigator that genuinely cares for the submissive in question and wants them to let go for their own sake, to unwind, and may be pushy or aggressive about it to get results.
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