Kink Talk: Submission
February 22, 2020
So if you haven't figured it out by now or just in general are new to this, I'm submissive in my sexual inclinations. I'm not a switch, and while it might seem like I'd be very good at being dominant, I could very well go through the motions but I get absolutely 0 sexual gratification from it at all. Literally the only way for me to have and enjoy sexual gratification of any kind is to be in a submissive position.
There have been times I've joked about having control issues, and, I do. I don't like dependency, I don't like not being able to do something for myself, I don't like not having control over my actions, I don't like having no control over my life and where it goes. (As a sidebar this is entirely why I don't drink alcohol or partake in any mind-altering substances, I am extremely adverse to loosing that grip, no matter what.) Aside from it being a baseline personality thing, it's also an issue of anxiety and lack of trust while also being deeply tied to my sense of Duty. Because when it's not just my neurosis at play, it's also the internal narrative of 'you can't let go of your control because other people are counting on you to have that measured control.'
The act of giving that control up to someone else, consciously and intentionally is one of the greatest acts of trust there is for me and says I trust the person in question to make the choices I want, that they have my interests in mind and that nothing bad will happen in the process. It also means I've allowed myself to feel good, which isn't always easy to do, because it's also admitting to myself that I'm allowed to be selfish. (Which is important because selfishness and want are things I 'punish' myself for, constantly)
And then, all of this is tied into the mechanical function of orgasm itself, for me. The thing with me and orgasm, is the very experience of orgasm itself is loss of control and submission. My ability to think or speak becomes impaired, at most, words form in my head but my ability to speak them is just gone, it's like a barrier I can't punch through for a moment. (and if I do manage to do it it's because I've shoved all sense of pleasure out of me in order to get that control back) There's also the matter of genuinely losing motor function and ability to maintain control. The stronger the orgasm, the worse it is. If you've read anything I've written, the way I describe orgasm is describing how it feels for me myself, to the best of my ability.
If I am in control of anything, I will do everything in my power to remain in control which means I'm inclined to stave off any orgasm in order to retain motor functions. Now, I can masturbate fine enough, because I'm usually by myself, I'm not responsible for the pleasure of anyone else but myself, so I don't have a need to fight my loss of control. But when I'm doing it myself it's not nearly as powerful or for as long and I can't do it more than once at a time because I can't very well both orgasm and also have the concentration and motor skills to keep stimulating myself AND also enjoy it.
It's still funny to me that the general public at large will only tie submissiveness to submissive personalities, which isn't necessarily untrue, but it's not true for me. I hate this tone that people get when they find out you, a strong willed individual, is submissive, and then treat you like that strong will is all an act or even worse, get this idea that they can treat you like 'a submissive' in your day-to-day life. (never mind the 'women are naturally submissive' train some people get on) Not everyone is like this, no, but there's enough out there that I just don't want to deal with that it's a large reason why I prefer to keep my personal identifying information pretty vague, here.
Being submissive isn't my job, it's my vacation. Let me have my vacation in peace, dangit.
Social Media Mirrors:
Tumblr | Pillowfort | CoHost